Love is in the air on campuses all across the country…love that is for vehicles! Yes, cars, vans, and trucks alike are always being washed and shined to look their very best! After all, what would it look like for you to be looking good and your ride be jacked up?

Is your car just like dating? Yeah, you look good on the outside when you go cruising around to catch someone’s eye, but how does your vehicle look on the inside? Imagine you are like a car or truck or van. What’s it like for someone who gets close to you? Do you act the same way publicly as you do privately? Is your check engine light on because of a bad break up and you’re still carrying old, smelly trash around with you from the past? Are you like one of those commercials where the person doesn’t admit that they’ve been drinking but their car is up to the windows in alcohol?

Well, the truth about being with you is going to come out whether you try to hide it or gradually reveal it or just shout it out. There is a model of human interaction called the Johari Window. It breaks down information about people into four-quadrants. In one quadrant there are things you know about yourself that others know as well. In another there are things you know about yourself that others don’t know. In another there are things others know about you that you don’t know about yourself and in the last there are things you don’t know about yourself that others don’t know yet either.

When it comes to getting close to another person, it’s like putting them in your car and turning on the radio to your favorite station. You share what you want them to believe in the stories you tell and the songs you sing. Sometimes while you’re sharing time and space, your true self begin to ooze out at the seams and you don’t even know it. They can see through your window and what they see is true. In order to really be in touch with yourself as you reveal yourself to someone else, layer by layer, do what you can to tell the story from your heart. It’s okay to have had some hardships among the good times. Sure there will be some scars. Be willing to be authentic and honest with this new person so that they won’t leave your conversation thinking, “Yeah, that big ugly bruise is just a beauty mark. Yeah, right!”

Creating great relationships takes careful attention to detail and a good dose of honesty. After all, a little spring cleaning every now and then never hurt anybody. It’s good to clear the air and blow away the dust and difficulty of the past and enjoy what’s happening now. The world is waiting to see the next new model of you.

Recently, I was on this panel discussing the difficult decision for singles of what to accomplish on the first date. Is it a time to just relax and enjoy each other or should it take on an interview format—complete with long term hopes and plans tossed out on the table in the first hour? My comment about it seemed controversial and there was some push back from some of the audience members. After all, who wants to take as long as I suggested to fall in love?! Why should you watch someone in that many settings before you jump head long into something permanent?! Was I kidding?!

Well here’s what I said and I’ll let you decide:

“It takes at least 7 encounters with a person before you know if you want to date them.”

SEVEN? Yes, seven. Let me be clear. I didn’t say before you think they are cute, because you can do that in the first glance.

I didn’t say before you are drawn to the way they carry themselves, because you can do that when you watch them pass by on the way to class.

I didn’t say before you like the sound of their voice, because you can decide that during your first conversation.

I didn’t say before you get to know their friends because you know that birds of a feather flock together and you see who they flock with every time you see them out and about on campus.

I didn’t say before you’ve spent some time with them and learned how their last few relationships worked out.

I didn’t say before you’ve hung around them in different settings (like around your friends and just the two of you) to see if there’s any difference in the way they act.

And I didn’t say before you’ve seen how they change when you get to see them interact with family from back home!

What I said was that it takes gathering a little information before you can tell if the person you’re considering is a good match for you. If you have an idea of your ‘must-have’s’ and your ‘deal breakers,’ you have a better chance of getting to know this new person if you just observe them without the pressure of performance that can come in the early encounters of dating. Just see who’s there when no one is looking. Find out who they are when they are relaxed and at ease without demands and expectations. The seven encounters can happen over a long or short period of time but the key is the gathering of information in order to make an informed decision.

My disturbed audience members wanted to be assured that love sneaks up on you and overtakes you leaving you helplessly falling into the clutches of romance and passion. Well, yes, you can be instantly attracted to someone after only a glance and yes, some people can create and maintain long term love without lots of time and preparation, but that is by far the exception and not the rule. Love is a choice and dating is a decision. Take your time and take seven – you decide.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re driving down a single lane street behind a distracted driver and after waiting what seems to be hours at a red light, the light turns green and THEY WON’T GO!?!

A red light means stop, a yellow light means take caution but a green light is a big signal for GO!

When you meet someone new, there is usually a reason to take caution and watch out for sudden surprises. You have to take your time and ease through the interactions. If anything sounds funny or looks suspicious or even rubs you the wrong way, definitely see that as a sign to STOP. It may not be a permanent stop but it is definitely a complete stop that brings all activity to a halt. Should there be reason to reengage, things can get moving again.

What is most interesting is the green light which indicates that the coast is clear and you can GO! Not everyone can tell when they are being given the “green light” and they hesitate, putter or even stall until the light changes to another color. Why? Good question. Maybe people hesitate when they aren’t paying attention and are looking in too many directions to see the signal when it’s green. Maybe some putter out of shyness and fear of rejection moving two steps forward and one step back and end up nowhere. Yet others wait and wait and stall and stall expecting the other person to make the next move thinking they are powerless to take things to the next level.

Well, my advice is this: if the light is green…GO. Take the next step and make something happen. Ask a pointed question about where this relationship is going. Say something in jest that is really true about how your feelings are changing, like, “if I didn’t know any better, I’d think we liked each other or something.” There’s nothing worse than missing your only opportunity to start something or move something up a notch. Why, far too many men wish they had said something more to the potential woman of their dreams besides, “excuse me,” as they passed by. Seize the day. Know that this moment will never return and you may need to act now or forever hold your peace. After all, what have you got to lose?

Green means GO. You might just get exactly what you want.

Jane goes to a campus party and enjoys herself with her friends. The alcohol is free and Jane has a little too much to drink. When the party ends, Jane is walking back to her dorm room alone. On the way a car full of guys from the party offers her a ride. She recognizes a couple of them and assumes she can trust them to get her to her dorm. On the way, they stop by someone’s apartment and everyone goes in. Jane doesn’t realize it until she’s inside that there’s no after party going on. One thing leads to another and she is gang raped and left to fend for herself.

How could she have gotten out of this situation? Who’s going to believe her when she finally makes it back to her dorm in the wee hours of the morning? If she tells, will she have enough information about who did this to her? Will anyone believe her? Since alcohol was involved will she be blamed? Will anything be done to the college co-eds at all? What about her reputation? Will things ever be the same again?

Countless college students across the nation face these very questions when it comes to unwanted sexual advances, date rape and sexual violence. According to CBS News, “the Obama administration has decided to take on the social issue of sexual assault on college campuses. The Justice Department also claims that this problem has proliferated across this country.” And the numbers are higher than expected since most Janes decide that the price is too high and they’d be better off just trying to forget it ever happened. After all, it’s her word against theirs, there were no witnesses, and its hard to prove what is and isn’t consensual sex after the fact.

College campuses are supposed to be places students go to learn about how to build successful lives, not places they get entangled with seedy characters who threaten their lives in the name of fun. If you are a student who has been involved in a situation like Jane’s you are not alone. If you are like Jane and you haven’t told anyone the circumstances of your situation, consider exposing the truth. Yes, time may have passed and no one will try the guilty parties, but you can help put a stop to this travesty by letting your campus administrators know exactly how serious a problem this is on your campus.

Whether you tell a campus counselor or a friend or a stranger; tell it in a blog or an article in the campus paper; get your story out of the darkness and into the light. You’ll get support that can lead you to freedom from the incident and it could help prevent other Janes from being victimized.

Signing off, this is Dr. Torri “Love” Griffin, LPC
“Issuing the LiSENSE 2 DATE from State to State”

Sometimes when you’re driving happily along in your car, truck or SUV, you might notice a light that comes on and stays on on your dashboard. It’s the ‘check engine’ light. It usually means that there’s something going wrong under your hood that needs attention. You can continue to drive without checking it out or you can pay attention to this signal that something is malfunctioning. If you wait and the car breaks down, you may have costly repair bills. If you look into it before its too late, you can save yourself a lot of trouble.

It’s the same in relationships. Did you know that the average couple waits 6 years to get help with a major problem in their relationship? Yes, they know something went wrong—maybe that infidelity, or that situation with the pornography—but the average couple will just wait and hope things resolve themselves over time. Time does not automatically heal all hurts. Sometimes, just like a car, you need a specialist to take a look around and switch out some old parts for some new ones. Maybe a relationship needs a little boost in negotiating or problem solving. Whenever that relationship ‘check engine’ light comes on it is best to handle it sooner than later. The longer some problems linger, the bigger and scarier they get.

If your ‘check engine’ light is on and you know that something somewhere isn’t quite right, maybe you need an objective perspective to run it by. We at LiSENSE 2 DATE are here for you.

Signing off, it’s Dr. Torri “Love” Griffin, LPC
The Campus Love Coach
Creator of the LiSENSE 2 DATE Relationship Training Programs
“Issuing LISENSES 2 DATE from State to State”

It is amazing to see how many times two people who love each other can misunderstand each other in an average day. If it happens too much they begin to think they have a “communication problem.” Some people call it “bad communication.” Actually the communication is working fine; it’s the message being conveyed that’s bad. You see, the body doesn’t lie. Though people and words do – bodies, faces, posture and voice tones do not lie.

Most of the time when two people are growing into a couple, they aren’t always as confident with each other as they will become over time. They verbally test the waters instead of just diving right in. It sounds something like this:

A dating couple is just coming off the dance floor of a campus frat party.

He: “Boy, is it hot in here! I sure am thirsty.”

She: “Yeah, me, too.”

He:” If I don’t get something to drink soon, I’m gonna’ die!”

She: “Yeah, me, too.”

He: “Well, if somebody really loved me they would get me something to drink!”

She: “Yeah, me, too!”

Needless to say there could be negative repercussions for the rest of the night after this type of exchange. Here’s another way to get what he wants:

He: “Boy, is it hot in here! I sure am thirsty.”

She: “Yeah, me, too.”

He: “Do you want to go to the bar and get something to drink?”

She: “Sure.”

What’s the difference? In the first example we see the internal thought process of: “please know what I want and go do it for me without being asked. That will prove your love to me so I don’t have to work so hard.” In the second exchange, he asks a specific question, gets the answer and the two are free to go on enjoying the party. No mystery—no drama.

Being able to ask for what we want is a learned skill that is not common in the wild. Practice this and you will save yourself hours and hours of drama and misunderstanding. Just another example of how using Common Sense Removes Nonsense so your relationships Make Sense.

If you need some more examples of making clear and honest requests let me know and let me hear your comments.

Dr. Torri “Love” Griffin, LPC
The Campus Love Coach
“Issuing the LiSENSE 2 DATE from State to State”

Ever found yourself reminiscing about the past? Wonder what would have happened if you and—you know—had given it a whirl back when you had a chance? Are you especially curious now since things don’t seem to be working out with you know who that you’re currently dating?

Can you imagine driving down the street with your eyes glued to the rear view mirror? Sounds dangerous; especially since the rear view mirror is tiny and pointed in the wrong direction compared to the front windshield. Why have a front windshield? Because there are so many things to focus on in front of you rather than behind you—in your present and your future rather than your past. The rear view mirror is just there to remind you of where you’ve been which YOU decided to leave behind so that you can adjust where you need to go from here. You made the best decisions you could at the time with the information you had and that’s okay. No need to pine away now wishing and wondering what would have happened if things had been different.

Where you are going is still up to you, and that’s why you have windshield wipers and sun visors on your windshield. You can clearly see what’s coming at you and make good decisions about whether or not to continue on this road or turn onto another one. You can also see the weather conditions better through the front windshield than the rear view mirror and make proper adjustments to the speed you’re going.

Yes, it’s tempting to wish for a second chance but at the moment, focus forward. If things are looking kind of rocky, shift into another gear. Address what’s wrong and make it right. Ask different questions and try different solutions. Maybe it’s too treacherous to move right now and it would be better to just sit tight for a while. If things work out then you can keep going and stay on course. If not, well maybe you could make a legal u-turn and revisit some familiar territory – you never know what’s waiting around the bend.

If you have a love story to tell about how you used your rear view mirror or your front windshield I’d love to hear about it.

I’m Dr. Torri “Love” Griffin. LPC
The Campus Love Coach
“Issuing the LiSENSE 2 DATE from State to State”

When I think about what college students struggle with in relationships, I come up with two things. One is that too often when a relationship starts, students believe they MUST make it work even if it shows signs of not working. What I mean by this is that if Sarah and John begin a relationship and find that they are not best for each other, it can be really hard for them to end it without feeling as if some character flaw of their own was to blame. Either one could carry feelings of rejection for weeks or even months after the final goodbye. Some, these days, are going as far as considering suicide or even homicide.

This is just not necessary. In My Little Book of Wisdom, Vol. 1: 52 Lessons I’ve Learned from Living Life, I share a lesson on life. It says,

“People come into your life for a period of time I call
a Chiasmata. It has beginning point
and an ending point.

The size and length of the Chiasmata depends on
the depth and quality
of the relationship.
Some ending points are long overdue.”

Yes, love is important and yes, you were touched in a special way by this special love – but, not all love lasts a lifetime. Some love is just in your life for a season. And as seasons come and go, it is good to enjoy the season while it is here. Enjoy the season of love while you are in it.

The second thing I think college students struggle with when it comes to relationships is hopelessness about the future. This could be the basis for the first struggle. If John and Sarah never get each other out of their systems, they could mistakenly avoid or block new love as it attempts to enter their lives. I’ve heard so many college students claim to have trouble finding “the one” that they give up and succumb to a lesser quality relationship. Don’t settle for less than the best for you! Yes, that last one didn’t work out the way you expected but the next one might. Keep hope alive and expect for the best. Love will come again.

When two people are dating, they usually expect each other to be totally honest when it comes to what’s going on in the relationship. If one is interested in someone else, the other hopes to find out about it in a conversation, and not in a late night shocking surprise.

But what if you are interested in someone other than the person you are dating? How do you deal with it? Do you just tell them or do you try to hide it? Let’s say your ex is becoming more interesting these days and is now more than available to rekindle the flame? Should you sneak over and check things out?

It kind of reminds me of texting and driving. If you are operating a heaving vehicle like a car, truck or SUV, it takes two hands and all your attention to keep it in your lane and stay within the speed limit. Texting while driving is like taking your hand off the wheel to spend a short moment with someone who is not invested in your safe arrival at your destination. It only takes a moment of looking down or away from the road to have a catastrophic collision.

Interrupting your current relationship just to test someone out or see if there is still something going on between you and an old flame will steal valuable energy from you and your partner. Not only that, but trying to conceal it could backfire and create trust issues that might not go away for a while.

You see, words and people can lie, but the body can’t. You might say with your mouth, “Yeah, she called again, but it’s nothing,” – but your body language might say another thing. It could give you away just by the look in your eye or the way you turn slightly away and move your phone to a more secure location.

Honesty is the best policy because talking about the obvious can bring you and your partner closer. Coming up with a plan together that you can both agree on concerning interesting outsiders might give you something to confide in each other rather than hide from each other. Either way, focusing on what you are doing will help you do it better whether it is dating or driving. Just don’t let the texts get in the way.

I’m Dr. Torri “Love” Griffin, LPC
The Campus Love Coach
“Issuing LiSENSES 2 DATE from State to State”

Have you ever seen someone driving under the influence? They think everything’s fine but they might be weaving in and out of traffic or speeding or even worse, driving on the wrong side of the road! There’s a funny commercial out showing drunk drivers getting stopped by police officers. The officer says, “Sir, have you been drinking tonight” and the driver who is up to his ears in beer says, “No, officer. Not a drop.” It’s funny because it doesn’t matter if there’s beer flowing out of the car windows, drunk drivers think they are in their right minds making good decisions.

Have you ever seen how a person acts when they are fresh out of a painful relationship and they rebound immediately into another one? Or have you seen the girl with a broken heart, jumping from guy to guy to guy without stopping to catch her breath? What about the guy who still loves his ex, but is trying to start something up with you just because you remind him of her and let him talk about her? All these people are dating under the influence of negative emotions and none of them are able to make a clear headed decision about whether or not they really love you.

That’s why time is such a necessary factor in the love process. Time allows you to see exactly what is and isn’t going on when you’re getting to know someone. If you notice that he keeps going back and forth with his ex, even though he’s telling you that it’s over, THAT’S A SIGN. If you see her getting distracted by other guys when she’s with you, THAT’S A SIGN. If you notice that the person you’re with usually has three month relationships and you’re at month 2 ½ with mounting drama, THAT’S A SIGN. Respect the signs and give it some time.

Relationship trauma takes time to heal. Some people try to heal it by covering it up with another person but that is no solution. It’s okay to be alone for a minute to get your head together after a break up. It’s like taking your car to the shop and letting it get a tune up before getting it back on the road again. Once the work is done you’re in tip top shape and ready to hit the road again. Avoid driving under the influence, it only hurts the ones you love.

If you know someone who is under the influence, remember, friends don’t let friends date with damaged emotions. Throw them a line and give them support while they’re off the market. If you need any pointers, just drop me a comment below. I’d be happy to help.

Signing off,
Dr. Torri “Love” Griffin, LPC
The Campus Love Coach
Creator of the LiSENSE 2 DATE Relationship Training Programs