“Ugh, if they weren’t driving so slowly I’d be there by now,” I ranted as I drove then mumbled, “They need to learn how to drive.” My face got a little hot and the irritation rose within me. Then suddenly something dawned on me: I was placing the blame on someone else instead of looking at myself. All I had to do was get up on time and this entire scenario and aggravation wouldn’t even have happened.
Where did the thought come from? I had recently been reading Millicent St. Claire’s book “Simply Ridiculous: A Realization and Transformation of Ridiculous Beliefs and Behaviors” and a portion of it popped into my head.
“When things got tough, I took the easy way out – I made everyone bad and wrong for everything. Denial made this easy and convenient. (and I couldn’t recognize the ridiculousness of it all.) It was never my fault when things went wrong. I loved finger-pointing. I blamed family, friends and total strangers – I even blamed God.”
It may seem silly to use this as it relates to a little road rage, but normally if one is placing the blame in one small area of their life then their doing it in other parts as well. Fussing in traffic is such a small thing, but it’s something I do a lot and it can often take my mood from good to bad. I wondered how many other parents do this and have unintentionally passed this habit and mindset off to their children/student who are using this same inner dialogue when dealing with their financial aid, courses, professors and college life in general.
Here are some examples:
- The ridiculous thought: “If the instructor would just be clear and not so boring, I would have passed the test.”
- The thought should have been: “I should have asked the instructor for clarification and sought out a tutor.”
- The ridiculous thought: “I missed a meeting because they didn’t post the information where everyone could see it.”
- What about: I should have called one of the members or asked someone if they knew when the meeting was.”
Placing blame on someone else is not taking responsibility for yourself and your actions, and therefore you’re not in control. By taking responsibility you can then take control of your life. It’s almost as easy as it sounds; it’s just a matter of changing your inner dialogue.
It’s going to take awhile for me to stop fuming about slow drivers while I’m on the road, but it’ll make for a more pleasant drive if I just focus on what I’m doing – or not doing – rather than worrying about someone else. That’s a skill I think my college student can learn in some areas and one that I’m continually trying to teach my three youngest children. In the meantime, have a conversation with your student to help them evaluate areas where they are taking complete responsibility. Should they have sought out the help of their professor or mentor instead of complaining that the information isn’t clear? Do they need to enlist the help of a tutor, or other student services, when they’re having difficulty in class instead of sulking and fretting in silence?
To learn more about Simply Ridiculous, you’ll have to check out Millicent’s book and her writing. It’s the ideal quick and easy read that will take you to a new level of understanding.
Petula
First-time college mom
PetulaW.com
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Petula Wright has about 15 years experience as an editor and writer who has written and provided editorial services for publications, organizations and individuals. Based in the Atlanta area, she continues to write web content, maintain a blog (www.PetulaW.com) and edit manuscripts. She says, “Writing is a joy and not a job,” but adds she still needs to get paid to keep up with her daughter’s tuitions and other bills. If you need a writer or editor, she can be reached at petulawrites@yahoo.com.
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Thanks Petula for this timely post. I’m happy that people like you are “getting it” and seeing how many ridiculous things we really need to let go of – and most of it is “our own stuff” starting with that inner dialogue, which colors our perspective and affects our outcomes – even in school!
And you’re right, parents often unknowingly transfer their stuff, which I call “dukkha” meaning unconscious drama and that negative inner dialogue on to their children. We have got to be more mindful and realize that what we model is more important that what we say.
And on the note of road rage – I liked your self-realization and reframe. I used to trip as well. Now whenever someone is driving slow in front of me and I start fantasizing about my car flying over theirs to get to my destination, I’ve learned to tell myself, “Wow, this is a great chance for me to practice patience!” Because I know that I’m not going to be flying anywhere anytime soon. Patience is a much needed virtue in my world. And if I see someone make a stupid driving move, I now choose to chuckle and say to myself, “Yes, that was me – I’ve done that before” then I let it go and move on.
That inner dialogue that you mentioned is the biggest cause of our stress. We’re having the human experience! And it really is easier to laugh about it together than cry about it alone.
Thank you for living the LIGMO Self-Mastery Process: Self-Realization, Self-Management and on towards Self-Mastery.
Live. Love. Learn. Laugh. LIGMO!
Your Pal,
Millicent St. Claire